Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Dean and Alex at Dean's first Ironman. Alex is on a mission and I'm praying just as much for him as I am Dean because I can't imagine how hard this must be for him. Luckily he is the happiest, most positive missionary ever so I think he is doing good.
 I found this one and it made me laugh because Payton and Miles look so similar and Pay was a little bum that whole trip but Dean was always getting her to giggle...or cry. :)
 At his first Ironman. 
So as an inlaw I feel kinda sheepish doing a complete pour-my-heart-out post. But I don't care, I've cried about 50 times would think I'm pregnant. Don't get your hopes up Miles is 6 months!
But I can't stop thinking about Dean. Today I keep thinking about how hard this must be for HIM. We've all talked about how we feel but how is Dean doing?
He is recovering so well from surgery, I am honestly amazed at all the progress he has made. I can't believe that he is doing this well considering the type of surgery he had. However, that doesn't mean that he is back to being 100%.
It is still hard for him to string together sentences or phrases. He can communicate great, but just not too much. If I were him I would feel a little can he communicate all the confusion he may have at times. How hard is it to form the words to say how much he loves us all (even though we know because his smiles, kisses and hugs say it all). How does he discuss all the worries and the faith, happiness and peace he might feel with his companion without becoming exhausted?  We can all talk... and talk.... and talk some more to help us through this but it is so hard for Dean how can we help him? 
Now I am totally making up all these questions, maybe Dean isn't even thinking these thoughts. Maybe he is very much at peace and just happy to see us loving him a ton and giving him foot rubs and food :) Plus Dean isn't one for chit chat so maybe he is great without having to say to much... :)
But right now the prayer in my heart isn't really for our family it's for him. I hope he is knows that even though it is exhausting to have all these conversations with us we are grateful for them and happy for every little bit of Dean we get. I'm so grateful for how well he is doing.
Maybe I'm also a little bummed because tomorrow is the appointment with the radiation/oncology doctor. Where they will lay out more of his treatment plan. This is where it also gets tough because I have so much faith in the Doctors abilities but I don't want to have too much faith in all the "numbers" and statistics they give us. I'm not saying I want to be naive or unrealistic, but at some point we have to push those aside and remember that our Heavenly Father knows all. He can see tomorrow when we can't. I need to trust in our Father in Heaven before I hang on every scenario a doctor gives me.
I just keep thinking about the scripture Jeff told me as they took the sacrament in the hospital the Sunday after the surgery. I'm actually not sure if this was the exact scripture but after studying the scriptures today I like this one the most and its similar to what Jeff told me.
"In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me" -Psalms 56:4
So now I'm going to stop crying, and letting my thoughts worry too much and just trust in Heavenly Father...and I'll go hug my kids.


grammajill said...

Great to see your comments, I feel much the same. Hope the oncologist has some encouraging words, too. We all love Dean and pray for all of you!

Katie said...

Love your thoughts kim. I feel the same I don't feel justified in being so sick and emotional about everything but I guess that's what happens when we have amazing in laws. love you.

Jody Hinton said...

I just want to stop by and let you know that your family is in our thoughts and prayers. I ran with both Kris and Dean for a couple of years before moving to Texas and they are both some of the kindest and generous people I have ever met. Your family is an ongoing example to so many and many lives will be blessed by sharing your experience.

My family experienced something very similar several years ago, and we all look back on the blessing that came into our lives because of it and they are too numerous to count.

Again, thank you for sharing.

Alexi Bullock Design said...

Sounds like you've had a tough day! I'm so sorry about that! We all have our ups and downs I think. I love you, girl, and I would love you to call and talk to me next time you're feelin down, ok?

Charity said...

Thanks for sharing. Dean and all the Bullocks are in our hearts and prayers

W. Nielson said...

I feel the exact same way Kim. I just spent the last 20 minutes crying silent tears on Chris' shoulder thinking about all those things you wrote about my dad. And I have that same question running through my head all day every can we help him? Ugh, it is such a helpless and frustrating and infuriating feeling. So I'm adding my prayer to yours...a prayer for my dad not for us.

Jordan said...

Thank you Kimmy. I think those same things at night when I let my mind "go there". I can't tell you how much I love you. I don't even consider any of the in-laws as actual "in-laws". Just sisters and brothers. You are so great and any time you need to cry, or laugh, or whatever just call. Love you!