The kids keep telling me that it’s my turn to Blog….am I supposed to say “Enter Mom”???? How do you start on something like this??? I have plenty of thoughts running around in my head, it’s just a matter of sorting them out and trying to put them down in a way that will make some sense to anyone else but me!!
It is still hard to think that what is happening is real. I never imagined myself having to hear the words substantial, aggressive, brain tumor and malignant all strung together to describe the condition of my rock of a husband, my love, Dean. We have all said that the hardest part of the day is waking up in the morning and realizing that it was NOT a dream. You sort of have to grab yourself by the shoulders and give yourself a big shake, tell yourself that Heavenly Father is with you, say a prayer and then get doing something to make the day a good one. Once I am up and doing, then things seem better and the hard things seem doable. That is a blessing!!
I know it sounds hard to believe, but I am fine. I am as surprised as anyone by that statement…because by nature I am a worrier. If there is something or someone that needs a little worrying over, then I’m your girl. If there isn’t anything that needs a little worry time, then I worry that I’m not worrying. I think you get the picture. So to be able to say I feel fine and really mean it, is nothing short of a miracle. Of course, I am scared of what is happening and of all the unknowns…scared of what lies ahead, but I feel confident that I won’t have to do it alone. I have felt my Father in Heaven take hold of my hand and allow me to feel of his love and strength. He has held the fear at bay and allowed me to take care of my sweet husband and children without my worry paralyzing me. I have been blessed with the most INCREDIBLE feeling of peace and calm ever since Sean got Dean to the hospital. The “pit in my stomach” feeling disappeared and when I feel it sneaking back up on me, I try to think of the ways we’ve been blessed and remind myself that Heavenly Father is in charge and that we are in his hands. I take a deep breath and say another prayer and then look at my family …AHHHHH, I feel better again.
I want my children to know I still love my life!! I have SO much to be grateful for… I have the most INCREDIBLE children, their spouses and grandchildren that anyone could ever be blessed with, a husband who has always loved me and filled my life with fun and love and joy, a testimony of the gospel, a temple close by, beautiful mountains to look at, wonderful neighbors and friends, an amazing ward, and the list could go on and on. Dean’s diagnosis hasn’t made me love my life any less, it will be different than what I had planned on, and things are a little uncertain right now, but I have seen my blessings seem MORE somehow. We have been blessed with MORE faith in Heavenly Father and his will, MORE strength to face the hard things, MORE solace and comfort from the scriptures, MORE love than I have ever felt in my life, MORE gratitude for what I have, MORE patience, MORE calm, MORE of what ever it is I need. MORE. I stand all amazed.
This is the time for our family to dig deep and show our Father in Heaven that our faith in him is not just lip service, but it is a part of who we are.. A time to serve our dad and husband like he has served us…A time to love each other more. We will make it through this with our arms around one another and our hand in the Lord’s…I KNOW we will.