Jordan here. Today I thought I was doing ok. I hadn't cried at all...until I laid down and realized I am still not dreaming. How do I describe what I am feeling? How do you get your 5 and 2 year old to understand that the reason grandpa has an ouchie on his head is because he is sick and medicine won't fix it? The past few days I feel like I have been put in a boxing ring with the world champion. The bell rings and I scramble straight to the corner. I hear the word "tumor", punch to the gut. I hear the word "aggressive", punch to the gut. I hear the words "chemo and radiation", punch to the gut. I can't breath and am struggling to find air. Then you hear the words "incurable and Grade IV". That is it. That is the blow that knocks me out. KO. I think that is it. I won't survive this. That the opponent won. Then I hear my name. I look over in my corner and there is the Savior. He is telling me to get up. He is telling me to come to Him. He is telling me to put my faith and trust in Him. He is telling me to give Him all I have left and He will take over. Every time I feel as though my world is crashing down on me He is there. And then I remember all the blessings we have received already. All the miracles we have seen already. All the love and support that we have that surrounds us. How blessed am I that I have the Gospel in my life. That I understand the Plan of Happiness. That I know that my family is Eternal.
You wouldn't think that the words "blessings" and "miracles" would be used when you are talking about brain cancer. But those words have been used so many times at our house this past week. We have seen countless blessing and miracles and I know that Heavenly Father is going to send us so many more. Lindsey has talked about so many of those tender mercies that I have seen and I am so glad that she wrote them down, because she expressed them so much better than I would have. But being at the house with Dad, there are so many little things that he does that lets me know that even though he is still healing and not all the way better, he is still my dad. The facial expressions, the names he calls me, the way he plays with the grand kids (this morning he took Emmi's face in his hands and gave her a big kiss on the nose. A total dad thing!), and of course his humor.
I know that there is a very tough road ahead of us. But I also know that I have the Savior in my corner. Ready to help me win every fight that we have left. The good fights and the bad. The easy and the hard. I am so blessed to have the family I have to lean on when times are hard...and when they are good :) To have a Dad who has set a perfect example of what a husband and father should be and how a worthy priesthood holder should conduct himself. I know that my brothers have followed his example and also my brother-in-laws and my own husband. He has touched the lives of so many and will touch so many more with his example. But now cancer survivor will be on that list too! I love you Daddy :)